Closed Book

Ahia and I talked a while ago. We opened everything up. No more fear. No more secrets. No more lies. No more pretentions. We admitted everything--what we think, how we feel, when did it happened. We got really tired crying. I was more than depressed at first. But I'm better now.

I never really imagined how helpful a closure can be. With Kuya, we never had a closure. So it took me 5 years wondering what if and what could have been. I had so many questions in my head--those questions still left unanswered. It's not really pride that kept me from talking about it. I was young then--not to say stupid. I loved him so much that I didn't want to see him hurt. So I lied about how I felt. I pretended everything's fine with me. It wasn't. Without that much needed closure, I found it really hard to let go.

But now with Ahia, I have given all I needed to give and shown everything I needed to show. I wasn't afraid anymore. I told him everything I felt and asked him everything I needed to know. Then, I bid him goodbye. Not because I wanted to, but because it's the right thing to do. I understand that we need to let go and move on already.

After we talked, it didn't feel as bad anymore. Even if I knew for a fact that things will be different from now on, I'm surprisingly okay. We agreed to let go of each other, hoping that someday, when things are much simpler, we could meet up and be friends again.

I dunno how long will I feel this way. I'm scared that when I wake up tomorrow and reality bites again, I'll sink back to depression. But I hope I could stand by this choice. I don't want to hurt people. And I don't want bad karma getting back at me.

I wrote him a poem actually. He didn't stop crying until he finished reading it aloud to me.

GOODBYE

I knew from the start
We'd be saying goodbye
I thought it was sooner
It even made me cry.

But God had a plan
So He gave us a hundred days
To do what we had to do
And for that He paved a way.

"100 days," He said,
"No more, no less.
Use it wisely to prove my plan.
Use that time the best way you can."

There were times I was scared
But I learned to trust in Him and in His plan
I was ready for anything
And I forgot you were still a man.

You proved to be weaker than I thought you were.
Still, I waited for that right time.
But the wait is over now
I now know you can never be mine.

Yes, it hurts...
More than I have ever imagined
You chose the path where I can't be
And you won't have a choice but to let go of me.

God had a plan
But you ruined it for both of us
It hurts so bad
But this road you chose to pass.

I respect your decision
Now, please respect mine.
I knew I had to say goodbye
But I didn't know this would be the way or the time.

Goodbye, Dude...
Our 100 days has come to its end
I didn't think it'll be this way
I didn't think end this way.
But you made a choice
Please stand by it.
And now I'm making mine.

Goodbye, Dude...
Please let me go
I have to find myself again
I have to forget
I have to move on with my life
And I have to do these without you by my side.

Don't say you want to stay
Because you know you can't.
Now, please go and never look back
This is what's really meant.

Goodbye...